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Setting boundaries

It’s never your fault if someone ignores your boundaries or doesn’t respect your boundaries.

Setting and communicating boundaries can be tough, especially if you’re not sure what your boundaries are. It is not about being perfect, you might need to reset your boundaries a few times and change them over time.

If you’re not sure about what your boundaries are, trust your gut. Our bodies send us physical and emotional signs. For example, your body might give physical signs like tense shoulders, racing heart, sore stomach. Emotional signs might include feeling nervous, anxiety, fear, sadness, etc.

Boundaries are not just about communicating what we don’t like – they’re also about sharing what we do like!

Boundaries can look really different from person to person and can change depending on the type of relationships you have. For example, the boundaries you set with a close friend might not be the same as the ones you set with a classmate, family member, coworker or partner. 

Expressing yourself

We all decide when, how, and if it feels safe to share our boundaries. Sometimes, it might not feel safe to speak up – and that’ s okay, it means you chose to put your safety first. In these kinds of situations, you might choose to communicate your boundary without words such as walking away, not making eye contact, not answering, etc.

You might find that you have to repeat or remind people about your boundaries. Pay attention to whether or not they are trying to respect your boundaries. If someone keeps ignoring your boundaries, it’s okay to limit your contact with them or even stop talking to them altogether.

Respect the "no's"

Remember, when someone communicates their boundary, they are being honest about who they and what they need or want. Sometimes, a boundary might come as a surprise, especially if it’s different from before. That can feel like rejection, which can be hard. In those moments it’s really important to show that you are accepting their “no” and don’t forget to take care of yourself after.

Here are some things you can say:

• “Okay, that’s totally cool.”
• “Thanks for letting me know … I totally understand.”
• “I’m so sorry, I won’t do that again….”

Here are some things you can do:

• take some time to cool down and think about why you are embarrassed, discouraged, upset or hurt
• try not to be hard on yourself
  • making a mistake or crossing a boundary doesn’t mean you’re a bad person
• give yourself some credit
  • it takes courage to learn from your mistakes and do better next time